I feel like the past two weeks I have been in the twilight zone or some form of a purgatory if it really existed. I have been viewing my own life as an outsider- seeing myself in another light not filtered through Juno (my favorite IG filter lol)
Come With Me (Hail Mary) lol and see a day in the life of me and my thoughts and my reality
I love song references- I swear I can have a conversation in song- every three words remind me of a song... (my randomness)
Grandparents- I love mine and my grandmother has both dementia and Alzheimer's- it hurts- she will one day leave me and I have to come to that slowly as her mind and spirit drift away. So lively she was always banging pots or at the mall shopping for us. Now her days waste away with her trying to remember what she thought she forgot to remember- but it is called life and each time I see her I am reminded of how short and brief it is. Married, children, homes, cars, accounts, church, friends, money, fun- what is it to her now? Solomon said it best- it is all vanity. It is so hard to NOT be depressed when you see the world firsthand slowly digress.... Noah is this what you felt?
A loneliness that turns into fear that spins into anger. Anger that questions a God you have yet to understand and yet he commands us to have faith, hope, joy, peace and love. How? How God?
But I trudge on- I enjoy my friends and my family and hope to one day I will have a family of my own. Spending my time alone wishing that I had someone to belong. It is hard creating your own space because for so long I was their daughter, their sister, their teacher, their girlfriend, their fam, their friend and finally I am just me...by myself- most days. Now on this journey there is a certain peace. Peace in the hum of my refrigerator, knowing that if he wakes me up tomorrow it is a chance to do good just maybe. Maybe just maybe my work is not in vain and if it is- oh well- it is not like I had anything else to do.
Passion- I felt again when talking about traveling and how I wanted to see the world. Here I was a 26 year old woman experiencing a feeling I thought would never find me again. Passion..it was brief in passing but has left a mark so lasting. There is this brave new world so vast yet so small and I want to see it, touch it, feel it, live it! See the sights, meet the people. I want to experience passion.
Reality- I must work to finance this passion of mine and I would be satisfied knowing that hey yeah I am working for a check and that check is going to get me to Egypt, Israel and Australia too... so I won't complain. But must I be so bored while working? Ugh all for some paper with a picture of Ben Franklin... lol is he even on money? (my slowness revealed)
All I see is Tubmans!!! (que the money fans)- my new track HAHAHA I digress... carry on
Routines- I am watching myself suffocate, mundane day to day (Predictable- Jamie Foxx) I am barely hanging on by trying to find some busy work to do, I still laugh a lot- it is how God made me- laughing is like my thing right but inside is this emptiness longing for change, something different, something more- but I am lost, where and when. Do I go now or later. I keep asking show me, tell me something!
Love- I am not sure about this one. Seems I always almost get it and then it is snatched away. What is the point? The point is that despite the pain and the terror. I want to feel that love. The love and miracle of having a child- the love of a man who considers me his jewel and crown. I want it- I proclaim and it and... silence... well not actually.
I get apologies from a man who has too many limits- He has tied his own hands in the ropes of others expectations. In his mind he lives in a land safe and clean- but that just grows boring you see. He has the creativity and all the tools he will ever need but if he never picks them up- change will never be. He will grow old and I guess happy with the only world he has ever known- safe and clean- he can do that- No judgement from me. I accept the apologies- but make yourself free- then I can fully accept your thoughts of me. You put me on a pedestal that I chose to abandon because although I was your trophy, the top was very lonely. (Simple Things-Miguel) (Needed Me- Rihanna) and then (Come and See Me- PARTYNEXTDOOR)
I also get EXCHANGES from a man I tried to make a stranger. Subliminal messages I try and ignore, but something pulls at my core to try and make him understand- if only he would let his ego go... he would see past the cynicism into what truly is the light of my soul. But until his ego and pride are gone he will always feel like something between us is wrong. Regrets are for the weak, but so is pride- we all remember the adage and proverb of time. Pride cometh before the fall- I am just saying LET PRIDE GO. Say what you mean and remember that for me actions will always be the proof that I need. The proof that your not just playing a game, the proof that you have learned the power of your name. We were blinded by pride, crippled by lust, too prideful to admit that we both were wrong and right. Confused? Me too lol Help me Help you Help me Help you... That simple right or Nah? (Almost Is Never Enough- Paul Kim) (Anymore- Tre Ward) and finally (Understanding- Xscape)
Time- is something I do not have to waste on building up men who just don't appreciate what I have. que in "Unlock My Swag" for the turn up one time.If I am to travel the same road as Cleo (grandma) then time is short and I have so much to do. These routines must die, I must learn to love again in a short time, I must change my reality and do something different to ignite my passion and set the world on fire. Will I get all this and more... YEP you just wait and see. Because the God I serve gave me power like you would not believe. This thing called a tongue and mind that I have. Work in sync together to create the words that shape my world.
Outside of Juno there are like 11 other filters that work to change the perception of that 1 picture. Do you get it yet? I am trying all the filters because I know at the end of it all I am still the same girl in the original picture- excited about the world, willing to offer her last, chasing rabbits and squirrels and truly hurt when they died and buried them between the two trees in her parents yard, the girl who cries because she knows they will never understand this love/hate thing she has to live with. They try and critique her very image from her brown skin to her long legs failing to realize that her heart is made of Gold- she grows to try and prove them all wrong only to realize that the power she has can turn any man into a staggering folly. Harnessing the power to create and destroy, to birth and to kill, to lead and to follow- her very existence is a contradiction to all that man is and will ever be. But God said how boring this world would be- if only I created man who only represents half of me. So here I am, in all my glory- working really hard to balance my life on this teeny tiny seed of faith all that he gave me in hopes that it is worth the wait. My God, My Lord why must women be so complicated??
Change is not bad- it is just different and if we stop and realize that at our core we will always be who we have always been- maybe we would not try so hard to be something different- but the external factors we claim to have control over are what distort us into whatever it is we consider normal.
Truth is relative
Perceptions change and so do people.
Second chances are rare but I am in a different filter-I might just give them- but only if you catch me....Juno, Nashville and Chrome even Noir - What filter are you seeing through to look at me? But I am still the same me- head strong, yet so fragile- talking in contradictions that only few care to unravel. Being me, loving me and creating a world designed by me- changing it one step, one dollar, one picture at a time. So what's next?
Come With Me (Hail Mary) lol and see a day in the life of me and my thoughts and my reality
I love song references- I swear I can have a conversation in song- every three words remind me of a song... (my randomness)
Grandparents- I love mine and my grandmother has both dementia and Alzheimer's- it hurts- she will one day leave me and I have to come to that slowly as her mind and spirit drift away. So lively she was always banging pots or at the mall shopping for us. Now her days waste away with her trying to remember what she thought she forgot to remember- but it is called life and each time I see her I am reminded of how short and brief it is. Married, children, homes, cars, accounts, church, friends, money, fun- what is it to her now? Solomon said it best- it is all vanity. It is so hard to NOT be depressed when you see the world firsthand slowly digress.... Noah is this what you felt?
A loneliness that turns into fear that spins into anger. Anger that questions a God you have yet to understand and yet he commands us to have faith, hope, joy, peace and love. How? How God?
But I trudge on- I enjoy my friends and my family and hope to one day I will have a family of my own. Spending my time alone wishing that I had someone to belong. It is hard creating your own space because for so long I was their daughter, their sister, their teacher, their girlfriend, their fam, their friend and finally I am just me...by myself- most days. Now on this journey there is a certain peace. Peace in the hum of my refrigerator, knowing that if he wakes me up tomorrow it is a chance to do good just maybe. Maybe just maybe my work is not in vain and if it is- oh well- it is not like I had anything else to do.
Passion- I felt again when talking about traveling and how I wanted to see the world. Here I was a 26 year old woman experiencing a feeling I thought would never find me again. Passion..it was brief in passing but has left a mark so lasting. There is this brave new world so vast yet so small and I want to see it, touch it, feel it, live it! See the sights, meet the people. I want to experience passion.
Reality- I must work to finance this passion of mine and I would be satisfied knowing that hey yeah I am working for a check and that check is going to get me to Egypt, Israel and Australia too... so I won't complain. But must I be so bored while working? Ugh all for some paper with a picture of Ben Franklin... lol is he even on money? (my slowness revealed)
All I see is Tubmans!!! (que the money fans)- my new track HAHAHA I digress... carry on
Routines- I am watching myself suffocate, mundane day to day (Predictable- Jamie Foxx) I am barely hanging on by trying to find some busy work to do, I still laugh a lot- it is how God made me- laughing is like my thing right but inside is this emptiness longing for change, something different, something more- but I am lost, where and when. Do I go now or later. I keep asking show me, tell me something!
Love- I am not sure about this one. Seems I always almost get it and then it is snatched away. What is the point? The point is that despite the pain and the terror. I want to feel that love. The love and miracle of having a child- the love of a man who considers me his jewel and crown. I want it- I proclaim and it and... silence... well not actually.
I get apologies from a man who has too many limits- He has tied his own hands in the ropes of others expectations. In his mind he lives in a land safe and clean- but that just grows boring you see. He has the creativity and all the tools he will ever need but if he never picks them up- change will never be. He will grow old and I guess happy with the only world he has ever known- safe and clean- he can do that- No judgement from me. I accept the apologies- but make yourself free- then I can fully accept your thoughts of me. You put me on a pedestal that I chose to abandon because although I was your trophy, the top was very lonely. (Simple Things-Miguel) (Needed Me- Rihanna) and then (Come and See Me- PARTYNEXTDOOR)
I also get EXCHANGES from a man I tried to make a stranger. Subliminal messages I try and ignore, but something pulls at my core to try and make him understand- if only he would let his ego go... he would see past the cynicism into what truly is the light of my soul. But until his ego and pride are gone he will always feel like something between us is wrong. Regrets are for the weak, but so is pride- we all remember the adage and proverb of time. Pride cometh before the fall- I am just saying LET PRIDE GO. Say what you mean and remember that for me actions will always be the proof that I need. The proof that your not just playing a game, the proof that you have learned the power of your name. We were blinded by pride, crippled by lust, too prideful to admit that we both were wrong and right. Confused? Me too lol Help me Help you Help me Help you... That simple right or Nah? (Almost Is Never Enough- Paul Kim) (Anymore- Tre Ward) and finally (Understanding- Xscape)
Time- is something I do not have to waste on building up men who just don't appreciate what I have. que in "Unlock My Swag" for the turn up one time.If I am to travel the same road as Cleo (grandma) then time is short and I have so much to do. These routines must die, I must learn to love again in a short time, I must change my reality and do something different to ignite my passion and set the world on fire. Will I get all this and more... YEP you just wait and see. Because the God I serve gave me power like you would not believe. This thing called a tongue and mind that I have. Work in sync together to create the words that shape my world.
Outside of Juno there are like 11 other filters that work to change the perception of that 1 picture. Do you get it yet? I am trying all the filters because I know at the end of it all I am still the same girl in the original picture- excited about the world, willing to offer her last, chasing rabbits and squirrels and truly hurt when they died and buried them between the two trees in her parents yard, the girl who cries because she knows they will never understand this love/hate thing she has to live with. They try and critique her very image from her brown skin to her long legs failing to realize that her heart is made of Gold- she grows to try and prove them all wrong only to realize that the power she has can turn any man into a staggering folly. Harnessing the power to create and destroy, to birth and to kill, to lead and to follow- her very existence is a contradiction to all that man is and will ever be. But God said how boring this world would be- if only I created man who only represents half of me. So here I am, in all my glory- working really hard to balance my life on this teeny tiny seed of faith all that he gave me in hopes that it is worth the wait. My God, My Lord why must women be so complicated??
Change is not bad- it is just different and if we stop and realize that at our core we will always be who we have always been- maybe we would not try so hard to be something different- but the external factors we claim to have control over are what distort us into whatever it is we consider normal.
Truth is relative
Perceptions change and so do people.
Second chances are rare but I am in a different filter-I might just give them- but only if you catch me....Juno, Nashville and Chrome even Noir - What filter are you seeing through to look at me? But I am still the same me- head strong, yet so fragile- talking in contradictions that only few care to unravel. Being me, loving me and creating a world designed by me- changing it one step, one dollar, one picture at a time. So what's next?
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