Recently I have been on my journey of discovery and paying more attention to me, my thoughts, my actions, my likes, my strengths, areas of improvement etc.
Initially after "the breakup" I noted to self that my fear of rejection led me to make some foolish decisions and in turn I became someone I did not recognize. I had always known that I suffered slightly from some sort of fear of rejection and/or abandonment- which is why it took me forever to become close with anyone intimately where they knew my good and bad. I feared that they would not like "That ME" or that they would eventually leave me. These fears of rejection and abandonment stemmed from childhood experiences where I felt like I never quite made it into fitting in... I was always too something. Too tall, too dark, too skinny, too fat, too smart, too nice---- tooo tooo tooo I never was just right for anything.
5 years old going to gymnastics class- which I thoroughly enjoyed and had begun to excel in it. I recall my teacher coming to my mother after class and telling her- "Nikki is wonderful and doing very well, she is exceeding her peers- but I did not want to get your hopes up too high because we can already see that she would be TOO TALL to compete-she is already the height of our 8-10 year old division competitors so if you want her to continue- great! We just wanted to let you know so that if you were thinking of competition you would know already.
10 years old- my older cousin taunts at me that my butt is too big and that I have dinosaur legs
13 years old my maternal grandmother dies and I pray fervently that God raise her back to life... I know he can- I mean did he not raise Lazarus from the dead and did Christ not have power of the grave? He does not and I then see that eventually everyone will leave whether they choose to walk away or God decides their time is up... I feel abandoned.
14 years old- first real breakup and why- "I was too nice" I truly did not understand why, what went wrong... then I realized that everyone else was ghetto, mean, popping off all the time, drama all the time and that was fun... me the regular girlfriend who was not putting out I was too nice translation BORING
16 attend a job fair for inner city teens (Oak Cliff that's my hood) we attend a workshop, take a test and then go in for the "interview" and this is what I am told. "Impressive Ms. Campbell- you scored exceptionally well on the exam- however we cannot give you a job because you do not meet the necessary requirements." HUH? I passed though right. That is the issue- to get the job you have to be an inner city student, struggling in school and/or pregnant. So basically you are TOO SMART to get the job. How backwards is that? But the failing- pregnant chick can work... hmmm ok so we reward bad behavior now?
Let's talk about the fact that my mother was never on time to pick me up... NEVER... and that I stay arriving late for everything now.. (Learned behavior) or that my wonderful Father the great provider that he is could never come to games or performances because guess what... He was working to provide...
So now, do you understand why I grew up to expect and wait for people to leave my life, disappoint me eventually, be indifferent if they decided to not show up, never get too excited for anything or anyone, I got tired of crying and being mad so now I am late for everything and not too mention I became chameleon like... whatever I thought he liked I could be. I assumed that if I was anything besides myself- maybe just maybe I would finally be just enough.
I mean as I got older some stuff I accepted... like I loved and am in more love with my skin color I am perfectly "milk chocolate" with orange undertones "snap snap" I cannot wear Ruby Woo red lipstick and I am fine with that... But I kill that Diva Burgundy any day... I SLAY (dance break) #blackgirlmagic
I accepted that at 5'8 I am taller than the avg chick that just means I can see more than ya'll, I stand out in a crowd *literally* and whoever I marry will just need to be at least 6'2 so I can wear my heels.
I accepted my dinosaur legs! They are one of my best assets while my cousin has scrawny chicken legs lol...I tell her this too (payback) Bet she wishes she had dinosaur legs now...(insert evil laugh)
So I mean I was not a total mess when I got into the relationship- I was slightly knowledgeable of self and I knew I could offer a lot- I just had no clue of when to offer it and wound up losing the bet on love.
We dealt with the fear of rejection and I overcame that- it is what it is- either you love where I am and accept that growth will happen or NAH and keep it pushing. I am still working on being timely but at least I care now. And no you will show up to my events because I am important, I am somebody and love is an action word. You will not alter my ego through your vain words that are just a representation of the negativity that harbors inside of you. Your Bad for thinking that I could be used... I am free now and the only owner and tenant of this house is me.
Initially after "the breakup" I noted to self that my fear of rejection led me to make some foolish decisions and in turn I became someone I did not recognize. I had always known that I suffered slightly from some sort of fear of rejection and/or abandonment- which is why it took me forever to become close with anyone intimately where they knew my good and bad. I feared that they would not like "That ME" or that they would eventually leave me. These fears of rejection and abandonment stemmed from childhood experiences where I felt like I never quite made it into fitting in... I was always too something. Too tall, too dark, too skinny, too fat, too smart, too nice---- tooo tooo tooo I never was just right for anything.
5 years old going to gymnastics class- which I thoroughly enjoyed and had begun to excel in it. I recall my teacher coming to my mother after class and telling her- "Nikki is wonderful and doing very well, she is exceeding her peers- but I did not want to get your hopes up too high because we can already see that she would be TOO TALL to compete-she is already the height of our 8-10 year old division competitors so if you want her to continue- great! We just wanted to let you know so that if you were thinking of competition you would know already.
10 years old- my older cousin taunts at me that my butt is too big and that I have dinosaur legs
13 years old my maternal grandmother dies and I pray fervently that God raise her back to life... I know he can- I mean did he not raise Lazarus from the dead and did Christ not have power of the grave? He does not and I then see that eventually everyone will leave whether they choose to walk away or God decides their time is up... I feel abandoned.
14 years old- first real breakup and why- "I was too nice" I truly did not understand why, what went wrong... then I realized that everyone else was ghetto, mean, popping off all the time, drama all the time and that was fun... me the regular girlfriend who was not putting out I was too nice translation BORING
16 attend a job fair for inner city teens (Oak Cliff that's my hood) we attend a workshop, take a test and then go in for the "interview" and this is what I am told. "Impressive Ms. Campbell- you scored exceptionally well on the exam- however we cannot give you a job because you do not meet the necessary requirements." HUH? I passed though right. That is the issue- to get the job you have to be an inner city student, struggling in school and/or pregnant. So basically you are TOO SMART to get the job. How backwards is that? But the failing- pregnant chick can work... hmmm ok so we reward bad behavior now?
Let's talk about the fact that my mother was never on time to pick me up... NEVER... and that I stay arriving late for everything now.. (Learned behavior) or that my wonderful Father the great provider that he is could never come to games or performances because guess what... He was working to provide...
So now, do you understand why I grew up to expect and wait for people to leave my life, disappoint me eventually, be indifferent if they decided to not show up, never get too excited for anything or anyone, I got tired of crying and being mad so now I am late for everything and not too mention I became chameleon like... whatever I thought he liked I could be. I assumed that if I was anything besides myself- maybe just maybe I would finally be just enough.
I mean as I got older some stuff I accepted... like I loved and am in more love with my skin color I am perfectly "milk chocolate" with orange undertones "snap snap" I cannot wear Ruby Woo red lipstick and I am fine with that... But I kill that Diva Burgundy any day... I SLAY (dance break) #blackgirlmagic
I accepted that at 5'8 I am taller than the avg chick that just means I can see more than ya'll, I stand out in a crowd *literally* and whoever I marry will just need to be at least 6'2 so I can wear my heels.
I accepted my dinosaur legs! They are one of my best assets while my cousin has scrawny chicken legs lol...I tell her this too (payback) Bet she wishes she had dinosaur legs now...(insert evil laugh)
So I mean I was not a total mess when I got into the relationship- I was slightly knowledgeable of self and I knew I could offer a lot- I just had no clue of when to offer it and wound up losing the bet on love.
We dealt with the fear of rejection and I overcame that- it is what it is- either you love where I am and accept that growth will happen or NAH and keep it pushing. I am still working on being timely but at least I care now. And no you will show up to my events because I am important, I am somebody and love is an action word. You will not alter my ego through your vain words that are just a representation of the negativity that harbors inside of you. Your Bad for thinking that I could be used... I am free now and the only owner and tenant of this house is me.
Ya'll see those legs and that melanin tho.... just saying #blackgirlmagic #orangeundertones #getyousome
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